Sunbathing is not on the agenda!

[susand]

I feel guilty when I moan and have my private pity parties, but it's just waht I feel like doing. It matters not that I have some great coping strategies - I'm just too tired to use them.
I'm feeling fed up as my red and white blood cells go down and this in spite of "thrashing" the bone marrow with the appropriate growth factors.
After yesterday's infusions, blood test, 4 different injections, pre-meds, and other medication I feel like a zombie.

I went to a concert last Thursday and after just 3 pieces was taken violently ill and spent the remainder with the paramedics, being checked and lying down in the medical room. So much for scheduling in "treats".
Disappointment looms with the cancellation of a friend's visit from abroad due to family clashes. So another treat looks like turning to dust! Anyone out there like the music of Loreena Mc Kennitt?
I had a Vitamin D injection yesterday - perhaps it is hoped it can stimulate some internal sunshine?!
Sorry to vent like this. I am keenly aware of the challenges and sometimes miseries that we all have. Knowing intellectually that illness governs our choices doesn't always cut it, does it?

On a sunshiney note - I bought myself a bunch of English daffodils on Saturday in an effort to cheer. They really are most lovely. Delicate layers of ivory petals tinged with yellow.

sue

[liz2mac]

Hi Sue,
I so agree with you, the intellectual comprehension about the effect illness has on us doesn't help the emotional and pyschological impact of it does it? I went through a period when I was so burdened down by "failure", (trying to undertake things that I then had to cancel due to ill health) that I became hermit like for a while. I don't know how we are supposed to cope with the continual knock backs, let alone the on-going bone tired weariness that repeated ill health brings. All I do know is that, like you, I see a small evidence for joy (like your daffodil) yestrday for me it was the green shoots on the weeping willows and I know, that despite all, I still have reason to be glad to be alive. Our lives are different from other peoples. We, even less than them, cannot trust that we will be able to carry out plans we make. Sometimes, as a friend of mine used to say to me, it really is as bad as it feels. Thank you so much Sam that you have given us all this place to share with each other and support it each other.
Sue, I think you are amazing with the way you carry the hand you've been dealt. You're in my heart and prayers.
Liz

[john]

sue and liz,
i often think that anyone who doesn't "get" me or thinks that i am somehow not doing very well with my illness just ought to spend a day, no, an hour walking in my shoes.
the pains and discomforts and indignities they can probably imagine, but the feelings and fears i get when new stuff comes to light showing that something ELSE in my broken body needs tweaking, well that's the sort of thing only WE get. the future is pretty much a concept i don't dwell on, having already outstayed the normal prognosis for my type of pid while most everyone else plans and relishes their future in the sure knowledge that they have one!
that comment about treats hits the spot sue. when you can't even rely on yourself to stay away from the toilet long enough to enjoy a few hours out of the old routine it kind of knocks the concept of a treat.
i'm glad the flowers worked their magic though. while we were away we had an orange tree in the garden, and just smelling that orange blossom perfume.........
feel better soon,
take care - john

[liz2mac]

Thinking of you Sue. Hope things are going as well as they can for you.
Liz

[liz2mac]

Hi Susand,
Haven't heard from you in a while. Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you and wondering how things are going.
Liz

[john]

i hope you're home and feeling mucho betteroso sue.
i will call you at home for a chat
take care and keep smelling the roses!!!
love john