Funny story/joke

[glowing]

I hope that no-one is offended by this but I thought it very funny.

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
...
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator....'

Some old men can still think fast !!

[s162216]

Ha ha - classic!

[Deleted]

Fantastic lol!

[liz2mac]

Tee hee. Gloria I love it.
Liz

[glowing]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas
Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that
your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is
enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father
says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this,
so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care
of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are
NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted!
They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

[glowing]

Three Sisters.

Three elderly sisters aged 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening the 96 year old sister went upstairs to have a bath. As she put her foot into the bathtub she paused then yelled down to the other two sisters, "Was I getting in the bath or out?"

"Silly fool," said the 94 year old, "I'll come up and see." Whe she had got half way up the stairs she paused and yelled to the other two sisters, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old was sitting at he kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, " I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She shook her head and called out, "I'll be up to help you both just as soon as I see who is at the door."

[glowing]

Seen on a notice recently:

Due to the present economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been temporarily switched off.

[glowing]

I liked this one:

When God made man She was only joking.

And this is too often true:

Behind every successful woman is a surprised man.

[glowing]

(Dark humour.)

Love In A Mental Hospital.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound judgement and that you have a sound mind.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, " He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

[glowing]

(Silly humour)

So I was in my car and I was driving along when my boss rang my mobile and said, "You've been promoted." And I swerved.
Then he rang up a second time and said, "You've been promoted again."
I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said, "You're managing director."
I drove into a tree. A policeman came up and asked, "What happened to you?"
I told him, "I just careered off the road."

[glowing]

There's been a fight in the biscuit tin. A lad called ROCKY hit a PENGUIN over the head with a CLUB, tied him to a WAGON WHEEL with a BLUE RIBBON and made his BREAKAWAY in a TAXI. Police say ROCKY was last seen just AFTER EIGHT by a VISCOUNT from MARYLAND, HOBNOBBING with a GINGER NUT and an accomplice, only known to the police as RICH T. Unfortunately they don't have a crumb of evidence so the JAMMY DODGER might get away with it.

[s162216]

Ha ha ha! You have a great way with words Gloria!

[glowing]

I loved this joke someone sent to my mobile.

A highway warning said anyone travelling should take a shovel, blanket, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hours suppy of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads. I looked a right twit on the bus this morning.

[glowing]

Have to make it clear Sam. I should have put that I received the fight in the biscuit tin on my mobile. I didn't make it up but thought it really good.
All the stories and jokes have been sent to me and I put on what amuses me in the hope that others will be amused too.

I hope someone will have a joke or funny story to add. It doesn't have to be their own. There are hundreds of jokes going round and a giggle a day helps keep the doctor away far easier than an apple.

[glowing]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30 this morning!
Can you believe that...2.30am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

[glowing]

Morris, an 82 year old man, went to the doctor to get a check-up. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said Doc, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful!'
The doctor said, "I didn't say that, I said 'You've got a heart murmur so be careful!'

[glowing]

Two junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both were rushed to hospital. One is in a korma and the other has a dodgy tikka.

[glowing]

Whilst shopping in a very busy supermarket the other day a lady saw me attempting to move my trolley forward. I tried a few times but just couldn't get through the people. She scowled at the man in front of me, smiled at me in sympathy and said, "Blooming men! They drive me mad, always dithering about." I just smiled and replied, "I can't really comment because he's my husband." On hearing this my husband turned to me and asked with a smile, "What have I done now?" I told him the lady was sympathetic about him being a ditherer. The lady said, "I'm really sorry, I didn't know he was your husband." I was busy laughing and told her not to worry about it. Afterwards my husband said, "At least she apologised." I reminded him that her apology was to do with him being my husband, not for calling him a ditherer. It made my day.

[glowing]

From an American flightsim forum.
What is electricity?
by Sprocket » Wed Jan 15, 2014 2:08 pm
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity and where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet,
then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried
out in pain? This teaches one that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn
an important lesson about electricity.

It also illustrates how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travel down to his feet and back into the
carpet, thus completing the circuit.

AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.

Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by
the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims,
such as, "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.

After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise
Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered
(this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's
leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the
field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces
of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond -- almost.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he
invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company
sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated was 1937.

Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For
example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000
yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the
power setting from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball."